ENJOY THE GENIUS 9: Keep Your Day Job

My friend’s got a boyfriend. Man, she hates that dick. She tells me every day. He wants more dinero just to stay at home! Well, my friend, you’ve got to say, “I won’t pay, I won’t pay ya — no way-ay-ay-ay! Na-na, why don’t you ENJOY THE GENIUS?”

That’s right, ENJOY THE GENIUS is finally back, mainly because I’ve been saving my other big ETG idea for the 10th-episode special.

Nowadays, just as I posited with the title of the last installment of ENJOY THE GENIUS, anyone can get a record deal. It doesn’t really matter if you can sing or not, especially not in the age of AutoTune and “famous for being famous,” whatever the hell that means. All you really need is to either get enough Myspace friends or already be rich and/or famous, and you’re good to go. This is why people like Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton have been allowed to release albums despite never actually displaying anything resembling musical talent beforehand. And now that the Disney Channel is basically a teen-pop factory, young actors and actresses are more able to flood the airwaves with forgettable pop music than ever before!

But it’s not like this is the first time Hollywood has infiltrated other forms of showbiz. Back in the day, movie stars used to sing in their films all the time. Actors knew how to play instruments too. Hell, Harpo Marx only spoke one line of dialogue in his entire film career, but he could still play the shit out of the harp.

Still, just because Judy Garland and Gene Kelly could sing their hearts out doesn’t mean every A-list actor or actress who wanted to branch out into music could pull it off. And today, we’re going to take a look at some movie stars who probably should have stuck with their day jobs… along with one wannabe musical act so incredibly ridiculous that it took the combined efforts of the Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd to mock it properly.

The fun begins, as always, after the jump!



Site Modifications!

Hey everyone. One last post for today, and then I’ll be done for now. I promise.

With the additions of the new features on my site, I’ve decided to make some changes in the navigation of the site. You’ll notice that there are certain tabs at the top of the home page that aren’t there anymore. You’ll also notice that there is a new tab called EXTRAS. I decided to tinker with the hierarchy of the site’s pages so the navigation bar doesn’t look so cluttered. This post is a guide to help you with the changes. There will also be a navigation guide added to the About page.

The Extras page is an index of all the stuff that isn’t directly related to my show — rants, Colin’s Collection (posts about albums I’ve bought), ENJOY THE GENIUS, Picks Of The Week, and my newest feature When Bad Songs Happen To Good Bands can all be found there. To find ENJOY THE GENIUS, Colin’s Collection, and WBSHTGB, click Extras and then click Featured Series. Picks Of The Week now has its own page and there is a link to it on Extras.

There’s another new tab on the navigation bar called Minis, which is short for Mini-Playlists, which is an idea I have that (if all goes according to plan) will make this show a more interactive experience for YOU, the listener. Click the Minis tab and read all about it!

Top 5 will stay on the navigation bar because it is directly related to the show. Playlists will stay on the bar as well.

The Downloads page has been moved under the Show tab, and there is now a link to it on the Show page.

That should just about cover all the modifications, and hopefully it won’t be confusing. If you have any questions or comments about these changes, post them in the comment section for this post or the About page.

ENJOY THE GENIUS 8: Anyone Can Get A Record Deal

And if the world does turn, and if London burns, I’ll be standing on the beach with my guitar. I want to be in a band when I get to heaven. Anyone can ENJOY THE GENIUS and there won’t be nothing anymore…

You know, my mom’s been on my case lately about getting a haircut. What she doesn’t understand is that if I grow my hair, then maybe I could become Jim Morrison…


So it’s been a while since the last installment of ENJOY THE GENIUS, a post that remains the most popular on this site by a ridiculously lopsided margin — it’s at 264 views as I write this and no other post on this blog has reached the century mark yet. I attribute all of the success of ETG7 to my remarkable writing skills and promotional savvy and not to that picture of Keeley Hazell that I linked to as a joke. I mean, I posted links to five or six girl pictures in one of my more recent posts and that hasn’t racked up nearly as many hits! It MUST be my writing!

So what have we learned today? Never underestimate the power of boobs. And also that Thom Yorke used to have the same hairdo as my Spanish teacher from my freshman year of high school. (To help you make sense of this comparison, this one guy I know once referred to her as “the dead Barbie.”)

Dear Mr. Yorke: I am so very, very sorry if this image brings back painful memories. Im sure youre just as surprised as I am that once upon a time people thought piss-colored hair was cool.

Dear Mr. Yorke: I am very, very sorry if this image brings back any painful memories. I'm sure you're just as regretful as everyone else that back in 1993 people actually used to think that piss-colored hair was cool. Can't wait for LP8! Sincerely, Colin.

Anyway, this edition of ENJOY THE GENIUS will focus on artists that I can’t believe actually have record deals, as evidenced by the title. In other words, it’s a typical ENJOY THE GENIUS post. And despite what my recent posting history will suggest, you won’t find anything about Soulja Boy or the Jonas Brothers here. No, they’re pretty easy targets. I’ll dig a little deeper this time… but not too much deeper than usual.

Prepare to be depressed, undiscovered musical geniuses of the world, because these people have (or had) record deals and you probably never will. The fun continues after the jump!


ENJOY THE GENIUS 7: Dance Dance Revolution

DANCE! Nothing left for me to do but DANCE off these bad times I’m going through! Just dance! Got canned heat in my heels tonight, baby!


Yeah, I know it doesn’t connect to the lyrics like these ETG intros usually do. But it’s my blog and my rules, so fuck it.

In this installment of ENJOY THE GENIUS, we’ll be taking a look back at some of pop culture’s most memorable dance crazes. No, you won’t be seeing stuff like the Twist or the Charleston or the Electric Slide or the Hustle. Come on, people. It’s an ENJOY THE GENIUS post. What do you think you’re going to see?

You’ll find out after the jump. And no, I don’t mean this kind of jump…

(By the way, what’s with the boob scanning? Is Patrick Jumpen some kind of early Terminator prototype that they tested by having him scan girls for nice boobs just to see if the processors were working properly? I can scan boobs just fine on my own, thank you very much. I don’t need some kind of computer chip in my brain to tell me when a girl has a nice rack. And if you’re at work and hate your job, just click that link and you’ll be fired in no time!)


ENJOY THE GENIUS 6: Hip-Hop Anonymous

I said a hip hop a hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop and you don’t stop the rockin’ to the bang bang boogie the up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat! Now what you hear is not a test, I’m rappin’ to the beat! And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to ENJOY THE GENIUS.

See, I am Colin F. and I’d like to say hello! And I don’t know the rest of the words ’cause it’s the longest rap song ever.

In this edition of ENJOY THE GENIUS, we’re going to take a look at some true hip-hop legends. And anyone who’s familiar with ENJOY THE GENIUS by now should know that we won’t be looking at folks like Public Enemy or Run-DMC or 2Pac or Dr. Dre or the Notorious B.I.G. or Jay-Z or the Roots or Nas or Eminem or any of those guys. No, today we’re going to celebrate some of the less celebrated visionaries of the genre.


ENJOY THE GENIUS 5: American IDIOT Edition

Welcome to a new kind of tension all across the alien nation, where everything isn’t meant to be okay and television dreams of tomorrow. We’re not the ones who are meant to follow, for that’s enough to ENJOY THE GENIUS.

And no, despite what the title of this post and the YouTube link and the quoted lyrics up there might have you believe, this isn’t going to be a post about Green Day covers.

So apparently the latest season of American Idol has finally narrowed things down to 36 people. (No, Bikini Girl was not among them. Sorry.) In honor of this milestone moment in television history, I’ve decided to share with you all some of my all-time favorite American Idol auditions after the jump. And no, I don’t actually watch American Idol. I just like watching the highlights on YouTube.


ENJOY THE GENIUS 4: World’s Greatest Guitar Heroes

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, so just sit right there…


I’m on a bit of a ’90s nostalgia kick lately, aren’t I? Anyway, for this edition of ENJOY THE GENIUS I felt like paying homage to some of the finest musicians to ever pick up a guitar. And no, I’m not talking about the Hendrixes and Claptons of the world. Those guys get plenty of love from just about everyone, and deservedly so. No, today I feel like paying tribute to some of the less heralded masters of the craft.


ENJOY THE GENIUS 3: “Uncharted” Waters

Fresh out the box! Stop, look and watch! Ready yet? Get set…


(Man, I used to love that show when I was a kid. ’90s NICKELODEON FOR THE WIN!)

This installment of ENJOY THE GENIUS has been brought to you by a public access music show in Florida called The Uncharted Zone. And also by the letter Q because if Sesame Street isn’t going to show that letter some love, then I will.

Queens Of The Stone Age ALSO FOR THE WIN!

Queens Of The Stone Age ALSO FOR THE WIN!


ENJOY THE GENIUS 2: Electric Boogaloo

In case you’re wondering, ENJOY THE GENIUS 1 was that last video posted in the Top 5 Songs I Want In Guitar Hero post. It’s the one with the kids singing about video games. And it gave me an idea — devote a recurring segment on this blog to finding the most incredible music the Internet has to offer and putting it on display for you all because I love you. A video can qualify for ENJOY THE GENIUS status in a number of ways. The video can be amazing, the song can be amazing, the singer’s voice can be amazing, the guitarist can play an incredible solo, etc., etc. And of course, when I say “brilliant” or “incredible,” I am being completely and utterly facetious. Now sit back, relax, and ENJOY THE GENIUS.