World Series 2009 Preview!

Hi everybody! Now that the World Series matchup has been set, it’s time for everyone to start making predictions and talking some smack, I figured I would throw my name into the hat. Yes, I know this is supposed to be a music blog. But since it’s my blog, I figured I’d have a little fun with this — especially since the Phillies are back in the Fall Classic.

I guarantee you’re not going to get a more thoughtful and in-depth analysis of this year’s Major League Baseball championship series than you’re going to get right here. The fun begins after the jump…

Hi, I’m YankeeFan729 and I’m here to provide my position-by-position analysis for the two teams in the World Series this year. Let’s get started…

PITCHING

ROTATION: We spent enough money on C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett to buy a Third World country. You can look it up. I hear the president of Djibouti has a pretty sweet curveball, and we might scout him in the offseason, but for now I’ll stick with C.C. and A.J. and the other guys. The only good pitcher the Phillies have is Lee. The Yanks are still Pedro’s daddy, Cole Hamels is too busy thinking about his hot wife to pitch, and Joe Blanton is fat. Advantage: YANKEES.

Soon to be renamed YANKEELAND.

BULLPEN: Mariano Rivera, yo. I really don’t think I have to explain it any further. So what if the Phillies keep coming back in the ninth inning? We have MARIANO RIVERA. So what if the Phillies have enough power to build a huge lead before he can even get his jacket off? MARIANO FRICKING RIVERA. Advantage: YANKEES.

INFIELD

CATCHER: The Phillies have some guy named Carlos Roo-iz who’s trying to steal Reggie Jackson’s nickname and have it translated into Spanish. Hey, Roo-iz – welcome to America! We speak English, and Reggie Jackson is already Señor Octubre — er, Mr. October. Advantage: YANKEES.

FIRST BASE: Philly fans can say whatever they want about Ryan Howard, and they can rip us all they want for giving Mark Teixeira $10 million for every vowel in his name, but which one gets paid to recite lame poetry in Subway ads? Not Tex. Advantage: YANKEES.

SECOND BASE: Chase Utley once cussed us Yankee fans out for giving him the ol’ Bronx cheer at the All-Star Game last year. I’m still angry about this. Therefore, even though he’s the better player, Advantage: YANKEES.


SHORTSTOP: Derek Jeter is the greatest thing to happen to baseball since Abner Doubleday. He is a true Yankee and I routinely sacrifice stray cats (we have a lot of ‘em in my neighborhood) to the baseball gods every week as my thanks for allowing him to grace us with his presence. I don’t think the national media gives him enough credit for everything he’s done. I mean, come on… Jimmy Rollins hit, like, .190 for the NLCS and he’s the big hero in all the SportsCenter ads? What the world needs now is love, sweet love… for Derek Jeter. Advantage: DEREK JETER.

THIRD BASE: A-Rod is a tool and totally not a true Yankee like Derek Jeter but he finally decided to stop choking in the playoffs. The guy who plays third for the Phillies is called Happy Peter, which is pretty much the wimpiest nickname ever. I think the steroids were what held A-Rod back all these years. Advantage: YANKEES.

OUTFIELD

LEFT FIELD: Raul Ibanez looks like Mahatma Ghandi as played by Ben Kingsley (only with no moustache), and everyone knows that Ghandi sucked at baseball. Our left fielder is Johnny Damon, who used to look like the bastard love child of Billy Mays and Jesus. Advantage: YANKEES.

+     =     

CENTER FIELD: Shane Victorino is from Hawaii. Quick – name a good baseball player who has ever come from Hawaii. You can’t. That’s because they don’t have any that I’ve heard of. They’re too busy surfing and watching volcanoes erupt and crap. Advantage: YANKEES.

RIGHT FIELD: Jayson Werth has this really annoying little patch of facial hair on his chin that makes me want to punch him. I’m a Yankee fan, okay? Our players are too professional to grow facial hair. George Steinbrenner has personally seen to that – I hear he keeps a pair of hedge clippers in the locker room just in case Damon starts growing his hair again. Advantage: YANKEES.

Wow, that was incredibly easy. Maybe I should write for ESPN. They could use more fair-minded Yankee coverage on that channel, especially with that Boston douche Peter Gammons talking all about how much he loves the Phillies. And don’t even get me started on Bill Simmons.

(And now, in all seriousness: GO PHILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

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