Top 5 Favorite Song Titles (For Now)

(originally featured on the Nov. 21, 2008 show)

There are plenty of ways to make a song memorable for your listeners. You could write really intelligent, thoughtful, or clever lyrics that people can relate to or think about long after the song’s over. You could be a master of melodies, crafting instantly recognizable hooks that never ever ever get unstuck from the listener’s head once they get stuck in it. If you’re particularly awesome at your instrument of choice, you could play a really cool solo that fits right into your song like a hand inside a glove.

Or you could always give your song a really hilarious title. And no matter what you think of the bands on this list, you have to admit that they do have a knack for amusing song titles.

That said, if you don’t like “emo-punk…” ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE. Because there are going to be two such songs on this list. And since this is strictly about the song titles, I figure I don’t have to do too much of a write-up beyond listing other amusing song titles by the bands on this list.

5. My Chemical Romance, “You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison”

Other MCR song titles for you to enjoy:

• “Honey, This Mirror Isn’t Big Enough For The Two Of Us”
• “Vampires Will Never Hurt You”
• “Drowning Lessons”
• “This Is The Best Day Ever”
• “Thank You For The Venom”
• “It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish”
• “I Never Told You What I Do For A Living”
• “This Is How I Disappear”

4. Fall Out Boy, “I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me”

Now, where would this list be without something by Fall Out Boy? They were probably the originators of the whole “emo-punk band with ridiculous song titles” trend. Now, of course they weren’t the first band to think of a ridiculous song title. (The earliest I can think of right now is, of course, the Beatles, who once wrote a song called “Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey,” which amazingly just barely missed the cut for this list because I hadn’t even thought of it at the time.) But after Fall Out Boy got popular, suddenly lots of bands that sounded like Fall Out Boy were writing songs with goofy titles. And none of them were quite as good as these (the movie-quote titles like “Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner” don’t really count, though), because nobody churns out the wacky song titles with the consistency and frequency of Fall Out Boy…

• “The World’s Not Waiting (For Five Tired Boys In A Broken Down Van)”
• “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (But I’m Gonna Give It My Best Shot)”
• “Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)”
• “Chicago Is So Two Years Ago”
• “The Pros And Cons Of Breathing”
• “Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over”
• “It’s Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine, I Am Thinking It Must Be Love”
• “Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued” (which used be known as the also-amusing “My Name Is David Ruffin And These Are The Temptations” before their lawyer told them they’d get sued if they stuck with that title)
• “I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)”
• “Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends”
• “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More ‘Touch Me'”
• “Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)”
• “I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)”
• “You’re Crashing, But You’re No Wave”
• “I’ve Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers”
• “Gay Is Not A Synonym For Shitty”
• “It’s Hard To Say ‘I Do’ When I Don’t”
• “Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes”
• “Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet”

3. The Fall Of Troy, “We Better Learn To Hotwire A Uterus”

This song also features one of my favorite opening lines ever: “SALIVA-SWAPPING TONSIL HOCKEY TROLLOP!” If I ever feel the need to insult a girl, that’s what I’m going to call her.

Girl: “I swear, I haven’t been cheating on you!”

Me: “Bullshit! I know all about what you’ve been doing with your ex behind my back, YOU SALIVA-SWAPPING TONSIL HOCKEY TROLLOP!”

Girl: “What did you just call me?”

Me: “It means you’re a whore.”

Girl: “Oh, okay.”

Some other choice song titles courtesy of the Fall Of Troy:

• “Mirrors Are More Fun Than Television”
• “Knife Fight At The Mormon Church”
• “ROCKSTAR NAILBOMB!”
• “The Circus That Has Brought Us Back To These Nights (Yo Chocola)”
• “F.C.P.S.I.T.S.G.E.P.G.E.P.G.E.P.,” which supposedly stands for “Fuck Condoms Premarital Sex Is The Shit Get ‘Er Pregnant Get ‘Er Pregnant Get ‘Er Pregnant.” The band has never said that it even stands for anything, which makes it even more of an oddity.
• “What Sound Does A Mastodon Make?”
• “Mouths Like Sidewinder Missiles”
• “Whacko Jacko Steals The Elephant Man’s Bones”
• “Cut Down All The Trees And Name The Streets After Them”
• “Shh! If You’re Quiet, I’ll Show You A Dinosaur”

2. Double Dagger, “I Was So Bored I Wanted To Hang Myself On The Dancefloor”

I can’t find a video of this one anywhere, so here’s their Myspace URL so you can at least get an idea of what they sound like: http://www.myspace.com/doubledaggersucks

Here are some more song titles from these guys:

• “Corporate Logo Preservation Society”
• “Punk Rock vs. Swiss Modernism”
• “My Dad Has A Theory That The Internet Is The Roman Coliseum Of Our Times”
• “Command+X Command+Y”
• “You’re Getting Paid To Make My Life Harder”
• “Rearranging Digital Deck Chairs”

And now, the moment I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for with baited breath… my favorite song title as of November 21, 2008… a song whose title conjures up mental images of slipping and sliding around on a mat covered in greasy shortening while playing a game that already puts you into uncomfortable and/or suggestive and compromising positions…

1. Minus The Bear, “Thanks For The Killer Game Of Crisco Twister”

Minus The Bear used to have a thing for oddball names for stuff. Their band name came from an inside joke involving the old TV show B.J. and the Bear, and I’ll let you figure out what the joke is from there. Their first album, which this song is featured on, is the awesomely titled Highly Refined Pirates, and they’ve released EPs with the following titles:

• This Is What I Know About Being Gigantic
• Bands Like It When You Yell “Yar!” At Them
• They Make Beer Commercials Like This

And they’ve christened their songs with the following names:

• “Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Get Me Naked”
• “Get Me Naked 2: Electric Boogaloo”
• “Lemurs, Man. Lemurs”
• “Just Kickin’ It Like A Wild Donkey”
• “Potato Juice & Liquid Bread”
• “I’m Totally Not Down With Rob’s Alien”
• “Pantsuit… Uggghhh”
• “Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!”
• “We Are Not A Football Team”
• “Spritz!!! Spritz!!!”
• “I Lost All My Money At The Cock Fights”
• “Let’s Play Guitar In A Five-Guitar Band”
• “Hey! Is That A Ninja Up There?”
• “Houston, We Have Uh-Oh”
• “This Ain’t A Surfin’ Movie”

And let’s not forget all those interlude tracks on Highly Refined Pirates that are named after quotes from Starship Troopers. They’ve moved on to more normal-sounding titles for stuff (the first single from their latest album Planet Of Ice is called “Knights,” for example), but still… all hail Minus The Bear, the kings of goofy-ass titles for stuff!

I wonder if they still like it when you yell “Yar!” at them.