ENJOY THE GENIUS 6: Hip-Hop Anonymous

I said a hip hop a hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop and you don’t stop the rockin’ to the bang bang boogie the up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat! Now what you hear is not a test, I’m rappin’ to the beat! And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to ENJOY THE GENIUS.

See, I am Colin F. and I’d like to say hello! And I don’t know the rest of the words ’cause it’s the longest rap song ever.

In this edition of ENJOY THE GENIUS, we’re going to take a look at some true hip-hop legends. And anyone who’s familiar with ENJOY THE GENIUS by now should know that we won’t be looking at folks like Public Enemy or Run-DMC or 2Pac or Dr. Dre or the Notorious B.I.G. or Jay-Z or the Roots or Nas or Eminem or any of those guys. No, today we’re going to celebrate some of the less celebrated visionaries of the genre.

Let’s begin by taking a moment to honor the classics. First up, we have a guy who was a hip-hop pioneer in every sense of the word. After all, without him, would we ever have seen the rise of the white rapper? Guys like K-Fed and Bubba Sparxxx (who, to be fair, did some pretty solid stuff before “Ms. New Booty” — so naturally, that’s the song everyone knows him for) might not even have careers if not for this dude. So it’s time to pay some respect to the one and only Blazin’ Hazen, the original Average Homeboy.

Somewhere, Vanilla Ice is genuflecting. And speaking of the Iceman…

Hey, wait a minute. Those lyrics sound kind of familiar… “Stop, collaborate and listen”? “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it”? “To the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal/Light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle”?

Where have I heard those rhymes before?

Well, I guess that’s one way to stay relevant — take your biggest hit and turn it into a Korn song. I can’t help but notice that he took out all the parts about buying drugs and getting into gunfights. In case you’re curious, Ice is still around… making the rounds on reality-show circuits and releasing cover albums that earn Least Essential Album of the Year honors from the AV Club. So if you missed out on your chance to join the VIP — Vanilla Ice Posse — back in 1990, don’t fret because you still can.

Next up, one more white rapper who goes by the name of Chuggo.

Yes, Chuggo.

But first, let’s have a little fun. Pop quiz, hotshot! See if you can correctly predict which of the following are actual Chuggo lyrics and which ones I just made up. Let’s start with the verses…

Which of the following is NOT an actual Chuggo lyric?

A) “Your mom’s box smells like a muskrat!”

B) “See that kid stealing? That was a thief!”

C) “I’ll put a sign on your back that says ‘I CAN’T RAP'”

D) “That hard thing in your mom’s ass? That was my dick!”

E) “I put mayonnaise on everything. That’s how I eat!”

And now for the chorus…

Which of the following is NOT an actual Chuggo lyric?

A) “She brought me to her house and I put it in her pie! AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY”

B) “My brother’s in the can and won’t get out ’til next July! AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY”

C) “Your girlfriend belongs in a fuckin’ pigsty! AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY”

D) “She blew me in front of a lesbian and another guy! AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY”

E) “Fuckin’ with me? You must really wanna die! AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY”

Now here’s the video. Get ready, everybody!

All right, time to check your answers!

Did you pick something other than D for the first and C for the second?

If you did…

I hope I made the message clear enough.

But if you got it right… feel free to celebrate!

Anyway… time to move on.

Up next we have a very touching song about a man who befriends a troublemaking kid from the ghetto who keeps getting into more and more trouble and makes him very sad. And then at the very end he suddenly starts talking about something totally different.

Here’s Reh Dogg with “Why Must I Cry.” AAAAAAAHHHHH COME ON FUCKIN’ GUY

I’ve got some questions of my own about this video.

Why must this guy keep singing? I’m starting to think this AutoTune thing might not be so bad after all.

Why must he change the subject right at the very end? He’s spent the whole song talking about this troublemaking kid and then goes off on a completely unrelated tangent at the end.

Why must he point a gun at me? I’m not the one making him cry. Is he trying to be tough and make us forget that the song is called “Why Must I Cry”?

And most importantly…

Why must he film himself in the shower? I don’t get it. Is he trying to be sexy or something? Does he think he’s D’Angelo?

You know what? I need to stop thinking about this. My head just might explode. Let’s focus on something else now.

What the fuck?

Did he put his own face on a Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas character or something? What’s with that album cover? And… oh my God… now he’s dressed like a girl! No, wait — he isn’t dressed like a girl. His head is on a girl’s body!

And the ending is just —

Okay… calm down now. Let’s go out on a high note, okay? Surely we can only go uphill from there, right? We have to. We just have to. We’ll find something with clever lyrics, creative beats, and memorable choruses to finish this edition of ENJOY THE GENIUS with.

ALL RIGHT, THAT FUCKING DOES IT! I’VE HAD IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

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One response

  1. Pingback: ENJOY THE GENIUS 8: Anyone Can Get A Record Deal « Listen Up! (with Colin Frattura)

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