ENJOY THE GENIUS 5: American IDIOT Edition

Welcome to a new kind of tension all across the alien nation, where everything isn’t meant to be okay and television dreams of tomorrow. We’re not the ones who are meant to follow, for that’s enough to ENJOY THE GENIUS.

And no, despite what the title of this post and the YouTube link and the quoted lyrics up there might have you believe, this isn’t going to be a post about Green Day covers.

So apparently the latest season of American Idol has finally narrowed things down to 36 people. (No, Bikini Girl was not among them. Sorry.) In honor of this milestone moment in television history, I’ve decided to share with you all some of my all-time favorite American Idol auditions after the jump. And no, I don’t actually watch American Idol. I just like watching the highlights on YouTube.

First up is Scat Girl from Season 3, who lives up to her nickname by delivering some of the most truly amazing scat singing you will ever hear.

That truly was some genuine scat singing. Just not the kind of scat she was shooting for. (LOL DID U C WHUT I DID THURR?!1? [God, how do people actually type like that? I actually have to force myself to write like that, yet countless others can do it effortlessly.]) And honestly, it’s not even the scat singing that makes this audition so brilliant. If you can put up with it long enough, wait until you get to the 1:58 mark of that video. Also, Simon Cowell’s one-liner at 2:53 is classic.

Next up is “Red,” a guy who looks like a heavier Axl Rose and who apparently the editors thought was really creepy so they played horror-movie music during his interview and thinks he sounds like Freddie Mercury. A lesson for anyone who thinks they can sing like Freddie Mercury: unless your name is Freddie Mercury, YOU CAN’T. The only person I’ve ever heard who even came close to Freddie Mercury was that guy from the Darkness, but even while his range is pretty impressive there’s such a high level of campiness in their music that some people may think it’s a parody of Queen. Red, on the other hand… well, see for yourself.

When Randy Jackson has to cover his face with a sheet of paper so you can’t see or hear him laughing his ass off at you AND YOU CAN STILL HEAR HIM ANYWAY, you are a truly incredible singer. What else is there to say about a “pormoy” who wants you to “hit me when the wind blows”?

Next up is this guy from South Carolina. I can’t decide which hissy fit is better — the musical one he throws during the song, or the one he throws after the judges tell him he sucks. The song he’s chosen is “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls, made famous by Jennifer Holliday and most recently by former Idol finalist Jennifer Hudson. This song is pretty much the entire reason why Jennifer Hudson won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress a few years back. As for this guy… well, at least he can say he’s earned ENJOY THE GENIUS honors.

And boy, does he ever earn it.

Up next, we have the living embodiment of every Saturday Night Live “Caw-fee Tawk” sketch ever. Where do I even begin with this guy? His ridiculous dance moves? His apparent hatred of British people? His tendency to go around wearing a shirt with his own name on it telling people what a superstar he is? I think I’ll start with his description of Paula Abdul “sitting there like she’s in the middle of World War 80.” Dude, learn your history — we haven’t even started the third one yet.

I love how Ryan Seacrest asks him how he thought it went — a blatantly obvious attempt to keep this guy ranting and making an ass of himself — and he jumps at the opportunity.

Oh, and I love how the producers will go to such great lengths to set people like the last guy and this next guy up for an EPIC FAIL.

So emotional!

Speaking of emotion, prepare for emotion overload. This is American Idol, not America’s Next Soap Opera Star. But apparently this next person didn’t get that memo. Also, she keeps forgetting to put those new cover sheets on her TPS reports.

Oh, there are so many more I could put here — the girl who impersonated the Cowardly Lion, the crazy chick who wanted to become the first American Idol winner who couldn’t sing, the ugly woman who sang “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” — but for fear that I’ll die laughing at these people, I think I’ll stop now. Until next time, keep on enjoying the genius.

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