Top 5 Best Makeout Songs In My Collection

Hey everyone. Sorry I’ve been really lazy with this blog lately. I’ve got all the old playlists just about caught up here, so now I’m going to start working on the Top 5 write-ups.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! Whee. Truthfully, I’ve never been much of a fan of the holiday. Why is that, you ask? Could it be stemming from the frustration and loneliness I’ve felt as a result of being single every year, with a hint of jealousy toward people who actually have someone special to share the day with? Yes. Yes, it could.

So with my Valentine’s Day special airing tonight on WMUC2 from 6-8 p.m., I guess it’s kind of fitting that I’ll be giving the list of my Top 5 favorite makeout songs in my collection. Emphasis on my collection. Lots of people like putting on Marvin Gaye or Barry White or someone like that for such situations. I don’t have anything by either of those guys. BLASPHEMY, I know. But look at it this way — at least this list is guaranteed to be unconventional!

5. Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Blood Sugar Sex Magik”

“Blood Sugar Sex Magik” is the Peppers at their funkiest, sexiest, and finest. What better way is there to let your girlfriend know what you really want to do than by putting on a song like this? “Every woman has a piece of Aphrodite,” Anthony Kiedis says in the most suggestive tone he can muster. Comparing your girl to the Greek goddess of beauty and love ought to score you some points, right? Almost as many as treating her like the Greek goddess of beauty and love, that’s for sure.  Plus, it’s much, much less likely to freak her out than “Sir Psycho Sexy.”
Also, from now on I want people to start calling me Sir Psycho Sexy.

4. Portishead, “Sour Times”

Somebody want to explain to me how we’ve gone this long without Portishead doing a Bond theme? I don’t know how we’ve done it. This song features all the sexy loungy goodness of the classic Shirley Bassey themes. It’s perfect for those of you who are into roleplay and want to pretend your girlfriend is the latest Bond babe! It’s also perfect for pretty much everybody else, whether you like your martinis shaken or stirred. Plus, that chorus… “Nobody loves me, it’s true… not like you do.” Isn’t that all anyone really wants to hear their lover say? I know it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

3. My Morning Jacket, “Touch Me I’m Going To Scream Pt. 1”

This is probably my favorite song on Evil Urges. It manages to be gentle and relaxing, yet still a bit funky and sexy at the same time. And when you put this song on, well, you don’t have to say anything. Jim James does it for you: “Touch me, I’m going to scream if you don’t. … I need a human right by my side, untied.” I haven’t seen Choke, which features this song on the soundtrack, but I’m willing to bet that this song was used in a love scene. And since the main character is a sex addict, that ought to give them plenty of chances to use it.

2. Minus The Bear, “White Mystery”

Much like “Touch Me I’m Going To Scream Pt. 1” up there, “White Mystery” is a chill song (get it? Planet Of Ice? “Chill” songs? God, I’m clever!) with a seriously sexy groove. Listen to that bassline. And as for those lyrics… well, I’ll give you one guess what this song is about. Why only one? Because you really do only need one guess — either that, or you’re just not paying attention because you’re too busy doing… um… something else. And let’s not even get started on all the possible meanings of the phrase white mystery

1. Queens Of The Stone Age, “Make It Wit Chu”

Honestly, I feel like I don’t even need to explain this one. Just watch the video. See all those couples making out? They get the idea. The sheer sexiness of this song is so contagious that anyone who comes within 100 feet of Queens Of The Stone Age while they’re playing this song (or, for that matter, a stereo playing it) will pounce on the nearest person like they’ve just been shot by one of Cupid’s arrows. Or better yet, like a girl in a commercial for Axe deodorant spray. It’s a musical afrodisiac.

Speaking of which, I use Axe deodorant. Why don’t girls ever throw themselves at me everywhere I go? Am I really so unattractive that my hideousness overpowers the Axe Effect? Thanks for the great boost to my self-esteem, guys. So much for being Sir Psycho Sexy.


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